The tea party

I'm going to invite these Tea Party fellows round soon. We'll get to the bottom of all this: do they really want to cut taxes? abolish the national debt?

More to the point though: do they really drink tea? and do they enjoy it? If they don't then I really don't see the point. Why base your movement around a drink you don't even like? After all, they could always join the Aryan brotherhood instead.

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A new Ted for a new age

Ed Miliband is coming round for a chat over brunch. I'm going to prepare him a real treat!

First I wrap a banana in a fried egg. Then I place this in a bun. I sprinkle cornflakes over the top, and then to make sure that all the food groups are included, I pour brandy over it and set it on fire.

Hopefully Sarcozy will be out of the flat by then. I told him he could use the front room for a slumber party.

Robots fly over the f**king moon

I feel a little ill - but has one of my neighbours dropped me off a tin of soup and 20 cigarettes? Of course not.. is this the Big Society Dave has been going on about? Clearly things are not developing to time. Surely we should all be teaching at academy schools and taking our own rubbish to the dump in our cars by now?

Personally I blame all of this lethargy on the corruption of the Pakistan cricket team. With the exception of Shahid Afridi, of course. Afridi is my favourite cricketer. Not only is he completely incapable of any form of diplomacy; he also had just about the nuttiest test innings on record.

Oh, and he scored the fastest ever century on his debut.

X marks the box

Why vote for Anne Gordon? Because she has a fat arse and she smells? No.. because she'll prevent all government cuts or something. It says so on a flyer I got through my door. She's perfectly normal otherwise.

I don't know.. elections seem to bring out the worst in people, don't they? They've certainly brought out a vulgar streak in me!

Thank you Dr. George

I had some diarrhoea the other day. I spoke to George Osbourne about it, and felt a little better about things. He told me it was a good opportunity for me to purge the rottenness out of my system.

David Cameron is a divine wind

Just a quick word in your ear. As you may have guessed, I have been growing a beard on the top of a mountain for a couple of months. As I rambled down, I bumped into Dave!

Apparently DC is going to cut through the budget deficit like a divine wind through butter. Waste will be abolished! A brave new world! The poor chap has never even heard of Keynes..

A word in your ear from.. Alistair Cook

Its been a while since my last post; but it was worth the wait. Today I have an exclusive interview from Captain Cook himself!

"..You know, they said I couldn't play for England, but of course I did! And I've been brilliant for England ever since! Remember that double century against Australia?"

I don't think you were playing for England when you scored a double century against Australia

"..I was great.. And there's no one in test cricket with a better average than me. I knew they'd ask me to be captain in the end.. they said I couldn't do it - but Pietersen and Strauss were rubbish so in the end the inevitable happened. I was great, of course"

Of course..

"..of course.. Bangladesh are one of the strongest sides in international cricket"

In the top 10, certainly..

"..eh? .. And we absolutely trounced them! I did most of the heavy lifting of course. I doubt Straussy will dare to show up for the return fixtures in the Spring.."

Er.. a rousing win. But what about the test series

"What?! The test series will be a breeze! I'll be there, of course. They said I couldn't bowl but I proved them wrong. I was fantastic"

You went for 111 off 5 overs..

"None of the other bowlers could finish the deal.. We needed them to declare to get the win. Its part of a tactical battle I'm bound to win. It was just a small matter of me knocking off the runs batting at 1. In the end I decided to retire on 42. That's the kind of guy I am.. brilliant.. but don't try to outguess me. Know what I mean?"



Well.. that was an interesting interview. He's always seemed quite mild mannered in the past, but I walked past him giving the bowlers a bollocking and the air almost turned blue! Later he was in the team hotel, wearing a three cornered hat, shouting "Once more into the breach ,dear friends!" At the same time he was smoking a cigar and making the V for victory sign with his free hand. Apparently he likes to read inspiring autobiographies.. educated man!

He is also good on the piano.

Captain's Round-up

Its been a quiet few weeks on the World Stage. I had Barrack on the phone a few days ago.. all tearful.. but Silvio's on the mend, and Nicholas is proving to be quite the Kid Napoleon. I saw old Mandy on the television the other day, he said:
"You can't airbrush Gordon Brown.. not like you can airbrush David Cameron! Sometimes it's hard enough to hairbrush Gordon Brown!"
Well.. I'm not suprised. Gordy comes over all sweetness and light, but if Mandy ever tried to brush his hair (especially if he wasn't expecting it), he'd end up chewing on the thick end of a knuckle sandwich. Struck down by a great clunking fist!

Most of these Great Men want to ask me one question: What on earth was Shahid Afridi thinking? Why the Devil did he bite a cricket ball?

I have the answer.. if you watch Afridi playing 20-20 cricket, he's rather like a man amoungst boys. He seems 2ft taller than his colleagues.. a competetive Dad! When he took a bite out of that ball he wasn't trying to alter it! He was trying to destroy it! To teach his large Pakistani family a lesson.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Bonuses

Have you heard about the new banker's bonus tax? Its a tax on bonuses over £25,000! Darling is bringing it in, to cut the amount of bonuses banks are going to pay their staff, and it was estimated that it was going to bring in £500 million. Strangely though, the banks have decided to just make its bonuses twice as big, to compensate their employees for the tax.. this means that the tax will instead raise £2-4 billions.

Banks have no idea about market forces.. sometimes it makes me wish that I worked for one! perhaps in a cushy non-executive directorship role. Barclays Bank, HSBC.. you know my number, give me a bell.

Sporting Corner

England are the new Pakistan.. I don't mean that the Taliban are roaming around the country blowing things up - I mean that our cricket team is generally useless, punctuated by occasional bouts of weird brilliance. I blame the one day series with Australia; they got fed up with constantly losing by 30 runs, and decided that from that day forward they'd instead lose by 150 two thirds of the time and win by 100 the rest of the time.

Anyway.. to cheer myself up after England's abject bungling I'm going to watch the snooker. Ronnie O'Sulivan is playing Mark Selby and as I understand it, they are polar opposites. Ronnie O'Sulivan is a tortured genius, twice as talented as any other player, but bemoaning how depressed he is. Mark Selby's neat quiff suggests he's like the chap you knew at school who never said anything, but always seemed to have a bafflingly pretty girlfriend, and who is now doing quite well at your old local Barclays bank, and going a bit bald.

Snow

Snow, snow, snow.. there's loads of snow everywhere.. great piles of it, tripping old people up and stranding cars.

So say the news anyway.. but I know better than that. I'm in Cambridge, and there's hardly any snow on the ground at all. I walked to the shops today and returned unscathed. Frankly I suspect the BBC have been showing pictures of Norway to whip up panic on the national stage. Why? So that Dave Cameron has an excuse to ride horseback up 10 Downing Street, seize power, and tweak Gordon Brown's nose.

Sometimes you have to look at the news behind the news to really get the news.. eh?

David Cameron

I have an exclusive interview with David Cameron for this blog! Don't get too excited.. its pretty dull stuff; here he is getting all red in the face..

".. Devil take him! The Devil with him, the handsome Devil! Devil take him!".

I'm not sure who that was about, but he seems pretty worked up! A real man of passions - and not just for stupid posh things:

"Its all just robots flying over the moon, Cap.. robots up there.. pointing guns.. Its like the sand omelette; you know it can't be done - then it turns out it can be done! Then you wake up depressed: it was only a dream"

I don't really know what he means here.. you'll have to draw your own conclusion. I think it was about the budget or something.