Gordon Brown's harmless hobby

Gordon Brown is a sex machine.. but not in the way you'd think. Apparently he's World Champion in a game where the aim is to translate 6 words into German. The game is called 'sex', because that's the German word for 'six' (more or less). He's the first champion for over 20 years not to speak German. I suspect the game isn't as popular as chess, for example, or bar billiards.. but its an awesome achievement nonetheless.

So what does Gordon have to say about this harmless hobby?
"Fellas, I'm ready to get up and do my thing! I want to get into it man, you know! Like a.. like a sex machine, man! Moving and doing it! Can I count it off? One Two Three Four Five Six!"

Hopefully this will clear up all the 'Gordon Brown is a nymphomaniac' rumours doing the rounds.

Make your vote count.

The European elections are approaching, and I suggest you vote for the BNP. Why? Firstly European elections mean precisely nothing, so it matters not who you vote for. Secondly it will remove a number of mad fascists from the country, and dump them in Brussels. Thirdly, they'd love having all those foreigners to offend - they'll be like pigs in shit, gorging themselves on chips and mayonnaise. Fourthly, I've run it past Nicolas Sarcoszy and he's fine with the idea. British Nutjob Party.. everyone's a winner.

Reader's question: Women

Ms. Lucy Backgammon writes:

"
Sir! You are a misogynist! You have never mentioned a single woman on this blog! You're the sort of fellow who gives other chaps a bad name - damp and flaccid!
"

Thanks for your email, Lucy.. as you know, very few of the Giants of the World Stage are women.. with the exception of Angela Merkel, and that one from Argentina.

Ahh.. Frau. Merkel.. tremendous woman.. very sharp teeth!

On top of this, no women have even been mentioned as potential England cricketers! Ever! But none of this is to suggest that I hate women or wo-people as I'm inclined to call them. One day a woman will be born who can run as fast as a man, and I shall be the first to shake his hand.

Open letter to David Cameron

David.. I don't want to be your friend. No matter how many quiches you offer me, and no matter how many times you ask me round to your house to watch a sad movie and have a good cry, I don't want to be your friend. Frankly, your face is too pink and you're too posh. And here's another thing.. the British Public are only pretending to like you as part of a Big Joke.

Love From,
CC

The world gives birth to another enormous electronic brain.

There's a new search engine in the world, at www.wolframalpha.com. Rather than return web pages from other idiots to your question, it just works the answers out itself, like an enormous electronic brain. What will these Geniuses think of next?

It seems to me that Stephen Wolfram is trying to make an important political point by releasing this website. He's making the point that sometimes you can't trust people to look after themselves. Don't trust each other.. trust a huge electronic brain. It all seems rather extreme to me, but I look forward to seeing how it progresses.

The site couldn't tell me how many test hundreds Kevin Pietersen had scored.

Eurovision

The British press are constantly rattling on about unfairness in the Eurovision song contest.. apparently countries bordering lots of other countries are more likely to win. Clearly this is piffle.. I didn't watch the Eurovision song contest, but what I do know is: Norway came first, Britain came fifth, and the British entrant was moderately attractive. As you all know, Britain only has one neighbouring country, and Norway two.

So.. this is obviously typical anti-European scaremongering by the press.. would the Great brother nations of Europe allow themselves to be humiliated by corruption and nepotism? Never! Sarcozy would never allow it.

Here comes the Whistleman

As part of the celebrations for the 50th anniversary of the release of Giant Steps, the musicians union has asked me to lay out some guidelines for future Popsters. What do I know about music? But they're too clever by half and saw through my self-depreciation immediately.

So my recommendations are:
1. Sing more clearly.
2. Sing in an English accent.
3. Sing Up!
4. No more than 4 instruments to play on any record.
5. Use trumpets more - don't be gloomy!
6. If all else fail, release a cover of 'Here comes the Whistleman', by Rahsaan Roland Kirk.

a Good Book

Apologies for not posting the last couple of days, but I've been dashing off a novel. Its a riproaring tall of a French African who doesn't care about anything, who kills an Arab for no reason. I've decided to call it Albert Camus' "the Outsider"

Expensive MPs

I've been inundated with letters and texts asking me to condemn all the British MPs who've been over-liberal with their expense claims. Frankly, dear reader, I've had enough. Its time for the public to stop thinking of me as some kind of Global Policeman. There are more powerful men, with the World at their feet.

Barrack Obama.. Wen Jiabao.. if you want to make a statement, give me a call. I can even hold your hands on the podium. Do what you feel you have to do, Barrack Obama and Wen Jiabao. I am here for you.

Reader's questions: Cricket

Mr. Clive Cricket asks:

"
In light of England's recent success against the West Indies, I should like to hear your views on Englands best team for the Ashes series against Australia.
"

Good question, Clive! The first thing to say is that against Australia, skill and experience mean nothing. What we need is players with Spirit.

Ravi "the Big Bopper" Bopara is chock-full of the right stuff, and Kevin Pietersen has plenty of the Holy Ghost about him. Strauss sounds privately educated, so I'm willing to gamble he has plenty of the midnight fox about him, and a recent article in the Telegraph claims Swann once dipped his finger in urine to harden the skin. Monty: start dipping, and we'll talk.

Is Flintoff granite? Or is he a china plate? Was Onions' father a miner? Someone should find out.. Broad should be subjected to a chest inspection every morning, to check for hairs. Harmison, on the other hand.. look at his darty eyes and his hangdog expression.. He's a man on the edge - ready to explode! He should certainly be out there.. foxy manipulations are no substitute for controlled aggression.. let alone outright Mad Dogism.

Utbildningsväsen! Undervisningsväsen! Skolväsen!

I heard a disturbing rumour the other day that the Conservatives are planning on copying some education scheme from Sweden. Now.. I don't care to look into the details of this policy, but if it comes from one of the Nordic countries its bound to be left wing.

When will the politicians learn? Hot countries are capitalist, and cold ones socialist! That's why all African communist countries have been total disasters, and that's why Iceland has fallen into ruin by letting its banks off the rails. Tony Blair understood that the temperate British climate required a Third Way - slightly moderated by the fuel allowance for the winter months. Now he's in the Middle East, spreading peace with poll taxes and deregulation.

Horses for courses - that's what I say.. I'm not sure I trust the Tories - for one thing their leader has a face like an overcooked steak and kidney pudding, but I'm sure he'll get his own blog entry at some stage.

Silvio Berlosconi

What a fellow this Berlosconi is! He's the richest man in Italy, and he's surrounded by models. If you don't vote for him you're a dickhead!

The way I see it: cricket teams have their best player as captain; Italy have picked their best man as President. Simple as that! Capish! You want to vote for the socialists? You've got wool between your ears! Silvio owns AC Milan! Who do the socialists own? Noone!

The recession, and my part in its downfall.

Recently I found ten pounds in the street, and found myself considering the moral course of action. Assuming there was no point in trying to find its rightful owner, I considered destroying the money, to increase the value of all the other cash in circulation. But wait.. in the current deflationary climate the mints are going full tilt printing new money. I don't want to push against our Glorious Leaders. I don't want to tell my grandchildren I was responsible for a Depression.

Eventually I hit apon the answer. As I'm not regulated by the FSA I was able to lend the whole amount to reckless borrowers, desperate to buy the latest Lily Allen record. Yes, its no time to think of ourselves, this recession.. we've got to lie back and think of the economy now.

What British people really want

There's been a lot written in the British press recently about people hating Gordon Brown. I'm here to tell you its rubbish. The British people don't hate Gordon Brown.. they love him! His tubby face! His squinty eyes! Have you ever loved someone so much you're afraid to approach them? Scared of their rejection.. scared they don't feel the same way. The British press are too stupid to see what I know.

Oh, British people: Gordon loves you too! Run to him! Embrace him! Rush to the polling stations and cram your voting cards into his boxes! You've only got one life, British people - this is no time for your famous reserve.. don't waste your one chance with Gordon.

Pressure at the top

Liverpool won a football game today. Now they're putting pressure on Manchester United. Not physical pressure, you understand; Rafa Benitez isn't going to place his hands on Alex Ferguson, and push him as he sleeps. Oh no.. its the subtle intangible kind of pressure, that riddles footballers with self doubt, and forces them Off Their Game.

Liverpool beat Newcastle, who are now also under Pressure. They fear The Drop. Hull, Middlesborough, Newcastle - they're all under Pressure. Expect them to fail. West Bromwich Albion, on the other hand, must have accepted their fate. They've Dropped! They will play with a feeling of liberation - gliding across the pitch, and scoring goals at will.

Of course, all the other teams are struck by a curious malaise - they have Nothing to Play For. They will become despondent and lethargic. For all I know, they'll start going bald as well.


So I confidently predict that next week all the teams in the Premiership will lose, with the exception of West Bromwich Albion. Expect great things from those boys; they're in a great place right now.

I dreamed I saw St. Augustine

Today I woke from a curious dream. I dreamed I'd been eating gherkins, followed by dry roasted peanuts. I'd enjoyed this snack in my dream, so I made this dream come true The gherkins, I'm afraid, were rather off, and I didn't enjoy the peanuts.

What kind of Mischievous Sprite was haunting me? Why did I listen to the siren song of my dreams?

I expect these are the kind of questions you're asking yourself - I asked them myself! But I must tell you.. later that day I found myself playing a beautiful guitar in the sun of my back garden, brought to me by a friend with beer. Yes.. its important to offer your salutations to dreams - these Mischievous Sprites work in mysterious ways, you know.