Fuck the police (but don't really)!

British politics has gone a bit nutty at the moment. Everyone is promising to savagely cut.. savagely cut and slash! Despite this, the Labour plans are apparently not sufficient. They aren't planning to slash savagely enough! Alistair "the butcher" Darling just hasn't got it in him. It makes you wonder how he ever got that nickname in the first place..

We're all ignoring the elephant in the room here though. On boxing day Silvio and I were getting on famously. Late in the day, as he was leaving, he said to me: "El Capitano! Il Duce! You must tell your leaders to inflate their debt away! Soaring ever higher on an inflated balloon. Fuck the bond market! Capish!".

Well.. I suppose that's easy for him to say, now he services debt at German interest rates.. but perhaps he has a point.. 25% inflation for a few years.. a few strikes here and there.. maybe an IMF loan to top it off.. "Sounds Delish!" as Mandy would probably say.

Boxing day

I've invited Silvio and the Pope round for boxing day. They both need some cheering up. The only problem is that I speak no Italian. Thankfully "lemon drizzle cake" is the same in every language.

Swanny

Let's talk about sex.. ah.. perhaps we should just talk about cricket. In the last year Graeme Swann has averaged 53 batting, which is the second best average in the England team. He has the second best bowling average - and has taken the most wickets. Why has Giggs become Sports Personality of the Year?! Because of all the communists at the BBC, of course!

Get Well Soon, Silvio

Silvio Berlosconi is apparently 'settled' after his attack. This doesn't mean that Silvio's attacker is wearing a concrete overcoat... oh no.. that's not Silvio's style at all.

You see.. Berlosconi would like you to think of him as being similar to Jesus Christ, but I think he's more like the bloke in Whistle Down the Wind. People think he's a crook - but actually he's Jesus Christ! And a girl in a barn fancies him! Whistle Down the Wind.. that film made me so gloomy when I watched it..



edit: I mean Whistle Down the Wind, not Gone With the Wind, which is apparently some awful American picture.

Dangerous Footballing Floaters

I haven't been posting much lately, mainly due to a succession of colds. This damnable cold!

Anyway.. here's something to cheer everyone up: there's going to be a World Cup soon! England are seeded, but France and Portugal are dangerous floaters. Yes.. play against Ronaldo or Henry and you'll be sick of the sight of floaters for life. Possibly it would be better if the England side stayed at home this summer - or even if they hadn't been born at all!

I'm backing Dubai

There's been a lot of hoo-ing and haa-ing about Dubai recently. I'm telling you not to worry.

Let's get down to brass tacks: there is no safer investment than housing (that's why they say "safe as houses"), and there are other safety factors in this case.. firstly the buildings have been built in the inhospitable middle eastern sun, so noone would want to steal them.. secondly: many of the houses have been built on islands, protected from any wrongdoers by the sea.. thirdly.. lots of the islands have been formed into palm trees. This means they can enlist a celebrity to guard each island.

I'm Captain Crab, and I'm backing Dubai.