Nicolas Sarcozy

Nicolas Sarcozy uses his imagination to turn into a swan. Can you see him? Elegantly cutting through the clear blue sky? Carla is next to him, stretching her long white graceful neck into the wind. And there below.. all their cygnets floating in the stream!

Well now.. I don't know about you, but I think its rather charming that a world leader of Nicolas' stature has these thoughts. So full of childish wonder and innocence! France is in safe hands with Nicolas Sarcozy and his plans to extend Paris into the sea.

Swine flu

Have you heard the news? Apparently swine flu isn't real! Swine flu - when pigs fly? Its all just a big hoax. The Mexican taxpayer will probably be furious when he finds out about this; the loss of income from tourism will be massive, and paper masks aren't cheap - but the Mexican government has loftier goals than enriching its own citizens. Yes, the Mexican government is actively increasing Gross World Happiness by perpetuating this soon-to-be legendary stunt. If only all our rulers were so benevolent and forward thinking! What a Nirvarna the world would be!

Barrack Obama

Barrack Obama has a dream. A dream of looking like Frank Sinatra. Its important for today's leaders to look like members of the Rat Pack - they were all at it at the G20 summit. Barrack was Frank, of course, but Nicolas Sarkozy was christened the new Dean Martin and Silvio Berlosconi Sammy Davis Jnr.

It's not for us mere mortals to speculate about what the politicians decided at the summit, but if I were put on the spot I'd guess they were sloshing Bourbon everywhere, and singing. Gone are the old divisions: Old Europe and New America, Emerging economies and Emerged. These titans of the world stage are an example to us all.

a Depression

Some time ago Gordon Brown promised an end to Boom and Bust. Unbeknownst to us this didn't mean an end to breasty exlosions - Oh No! It meant an end to the cycle of life; no more birth and death, and more importantly: no more buying koy carp whilst labouring under the misaprehension we're fantastically wealthy.

But now we've had the breastiest explosion in history. The economy is suffering from a Depression. Economies don't suffer from depression - they suffer from a Depression. Its like a hurricane! This depression is cutting deep - its hurting economic growth - economic growth which doesn't even exist!

So what are we going to do about it? The economy is lying on the sofa, staring into space. Meanwhile this bastard Depression is hurting growth before it even exists! I say the economy should wise up. No use moping around. It should exercise regularly and I've heard bananas are good for the mood! Apparently you point them at people and say "This banana is loaded!"

Cap'n Crab

Could a crab ever become a Captain in the British Navy? No.. the very idea is laughable.. maddening.. and yet: on hearing of "Cap'n Crab", does the mind recoil in horror? Surely not!

This is the power of the Captain. There are strange forces at work here - more will be revealed in due course.