Technology Corner

What's happening in the world of computers? And why should we care? Well.. let me tell you.. there are some exiting things happening! Some scientist from Stanford says:

“within five to ten years it should be possible to make accurate 10- to 14-day weather forecasts.. [the main obstacle is] to set up a global data-collection system and to perfect our physical understanding of the atmosphere"

Wow! Pretty exciting stuff! But what about operating systems? What do Microsoft have to say?

"Hi, I'm Crystal. Not long ago I had a thought - right in the back of a taxi. Using a PC should be simpler.. so I told Microsoft - and look at this! Windows 7 with this new taskbar! Now I can see everything that's open. Its just miles simpler. I told them what to do and they did it! I could really get used to this.. Onwards driver! I'm a PC and windows 7 was my idea"

I'm a little underwhelmed by this. Shouldn't these Microsoft Gods be working in the office, not in taxis? And it leaves several questions unanswered.. How will these computers forecast the weather? And how could they be used to set up a Global data-collection system?

As for the cryptic ending.. I'm a PC?! Is this some advance in AI? Or cybernetics perhaps? Sometimes what's most interesting is what isn't said.

Reader's answers!

I've been chatting with Alistair Darling.. well.. actually I couldn't get through. But if I had, I imagine he would have said:

"I'm a busy man, Cap, just make something up and pretend I said it. You know my thoughts better than me anyway! eh?! :)"

You're the boss, Ali!

So, Mr. Darling. What do you think about banker's bonuses?

"

Well, the first thing to say is: its nice to be nice. I think its nice to be nice, and a lot of people think its nice that I think that. It's nice for me to know that.

When we get down to it, we should be nice to bankers. If they really have done their job well they'll get their reward in the next life.. or punishment! God forbid..

I really don't think we can run around killing bankers indiscriminately, and saying "God will know his own". That would be a return to Old Politics, and the old divisions between left and right. We're entering a new century with a new emphasis on consensus and understanding. Let's not punish bankers for their so-called misdeeds.. let's be nice to them. I guarantee everything will work itself out.

"

Interesting point, Alistair. I certainly agree that we can't go round indiscriminately murdering bankers. That would be the thin end of the wedge. Perhaps we could just increase income tax by a few percent.. damn the Laffer curve! Live dangerously!

Reader's questions

John Bull says...

"

Cameron is talking about "drawing a line in the sand" in this EU affair. But picture this: Imagine a beach with a fuck off line down the middle. On one side are a bunch of foreigners, eating their horrible greasy food stuffed full of garlic, speaking their stupid languages. On the other are English people, playing cricket, talking about the weather and eating roast beef and yorkshire pudding, followed by jam roly poly with custard.

Now.. wouldn't you rather this line in the sand was a fuck off trench? Full of fucking snakes!

"

Interesting point, John. I think I understand the metaphor: you want to build a trench between us and Europe, and to fill it with snakes.

I can't really agree though; there is already a sea between us and Europe, which is essentially a trench full of water - as opposed to snakes. What you seem to be suggesting is for us to remove the water from the sea and replace it with snakes, which seems an extreme step for very little reward. Better to leave things as they are.

Having said that, I'm reliably informed that William Hague and you are of the same mind.

Sarcozy's silver toungue

Sarcozy: Darling, do you know what you are?

Bruni: No, dearest?

Sarcozy: Cassoulet

Bruni: And why is that, mon cher?

Sarcozy: Because you're the national dish!

Now.. I'm not privy to all of the goings on in France - but if I had to bet on one saucy exchange having taken place between the President of France and his other half, this would be it. What a smooth talker he is!

Berlin remembers the Berlin Wall (and that it was a wall in Berlin)

Most people in Berlin had forgotten about the Berlin wall, but there was one man who was brave enough to remember it.

"Chaps, do you recall the wall that used to encircle half of Berlin?" he said

"Oh yeah.. that was weird.. what the fuck was all that about? I thought that was a fucking dream or something.. why the fuck was there a wall there? fucking hell.. weird!" the Germans said.

Anyway, now they're having a big party to celebrate the fact they've all remembered it. This is typical German hyperbole. I don't dance up the street naked shouting "Eureka" every time I find my reading glasses. But the average German would - and that's why we won the war.

Dann sind wir Helden

Zing! Ping! Wing!

That's the way a sensationalist would start his blog post - but not me - oh no.. I'm in this business for the public good - not for my 15 minutes of fame. Gordon Brown, despite his many qualities is the total opposite. Always pestering me to go for a walk with him down Oxford street with us both dressed in brown suits. He wants to bathe in my reflected glory. Sometimes he says I should go in a pink suit and we could take part in a game of Human Snooker. Don't worry, dear reader; he's only joking, of course.

News from The Right

So the Czechs have signed some treaty or other.. Dave is furious and so are his mates. But why? Let me explain: As you know.. right wing beliefs are a bi-product of sleep deprivation. Margaret Thatcher slept for 3 hours a night - but why isn't DC getting his normal 10 hours kip?

Here's the thing.. Have you seen the new expense allowances for MPs? These Collusa of the World stage have been quite coy about what they're allowed now, but I've got the list exclusively here. So, the allowance for one week:

4 first class stamps,

7 Boot's meal deals,

Hire purchase payments for a Ford Cortina,

One bicycle,

Food for one pet (no larger than a fox),

14 tea bags,

A small jar of instant coffee

Need I say more.. 2 cups of tea a day and a small jar of instant coffee a week! He's jittery and irritable. Not to mention the midnight toilet breaks! Good Lord!