One reason Silvio Berlosconi hates country music

"I'll never get out of this world alive", so sang Hank Williams. And he should know! He was dead by the time the song released - gone white in the back of a car from a morphine/alcohol overdose. I wonder if Berlosconi suffers the same fear. You can't cheat death, Silvio!

British Airways: a loving family in the sky?

British Airways are planning to offer their employees the opportunity to work for a month without pay. Good plan! I've always thought if someone is only working for you to collect their daily bread then you can hardly rely on them. Sort out the wheat from the chaff!

If I get the chance to talk to the high fliers at BA I'll be recommending a course of action still more extreme: why rest at stopping paying for your employees? Their biggest problem is oil prices. Why pay for oil at all? A thousand BA enthusiasts around the world should provide the oil, free of charge! Wouldn't you better trust them than the terrible Big Oil firms? And why charge your customers? Or ask them for passports? If that's the way you treat your customers then no wonder we have a problem with terrorists on planes; who else wants to fly BA? Yes.. that's the way to go.. a big loving family in the sky. You've taken the first step on a beautiful voyage, BA.

Peter Mandleson

In a curious documentary earlier this week, Peter Mandelson revealed that Gordon Brown had invited him back into the cabinet over "a sandwich, yogurt and an orange juice". What a bizarre revelation! Why not "over a sandwich", or "over lunch"? Why mention food at all?

All this leads me to suspect foul play on Mandleson's part. Subliminal messaging? Aggressive pushing of healthy eating? Self aggrandisement? (Come on, Mandy, yoghurts aren't exotic anymore!) No.. none of these are the answer.. the answer is that Mandleson must have slipped in something dreadful when I wasn't listening properly.. then slipped in the yogurt remark to distract me. And it worked! Damn... ...but no matter; Milliband is coming round for a slice of Lemon Drizzle Cake on Sunday; I'll ask him what Mandy said then.

the Twenty20 World Cup

So the 20 20 Wold Cup is up and running.. what the devil? Switch hits, slog sweeps, reverse reverse sweeps, sixes out the stadium.. Everything we were told about cricket is a lie! An unplayable ball from Brett Lee transpires to be a simple edge over the boundary ropes.
Trundling bowlers like Luke Wright are geniuses of the game. Its hard to hit boundaries off spinners, and hitting along the ground is for morons.

Thankfully I achieved neither of my twin ambitions: playing for Kent, or dieing young. Imagine it! I'd be spinning in my grave!

I console myself that, like Christmas, its all a bit of fun; no matter how strange and terrifying this tournament is, when its over we can forget about it for another two years - enjoying a nice relaxing Ashes.

Poetry: the villain of the piece?

The airwaves are full of programs about poetry at the moment. Apparently everyone loves poetry now. Not only the long haired romantics, wandering through Cumbria smiling at sheep (When they aren't necking half-pints of Laudinum). Ordinary people like you me and Frank Skinner are wandering around speaking tripe to taxi-drivers.

These modern poets like Homer and Rimbaud are all well and good, but what the British People really want are poets like Tennyson and Kipling. The British Public won't stand for dull fuzzy odes to a mushroom. What they crave are poems about how great Britain is, all set to a rumptdy-dum rhythm.

Vastly stiff Australians

Ricky Ponting suggests that Australian opponents will be "Vastly stiffer", then West Indian ones. Now.. its not for me to speculate on the stiffness of West Indian cricketers, but I think its fair to say that Ponting thinks that during the Ashes Australia will be incredibly stiff. I don't know about you, but I'm shaken to my core by this statement. I suspect the foxy Australians have stumbled upon some sort of secret weapon. Starch baths, perhaps.. or ground Viagra mixed into their breakfast Vegemite.