Dann sind wir Helden

Zing! Ping! Wing!

That's the way a sensationalist would start his blog post - but not me - oh no.. I'm in this business for the public good - not for my 15 minutes of fame. Gordon Brown, despite his many qualities is the total opposite. Always pestering me to go for a walk with him down Oxford street with us both dressed in brown suits. He wants to bathe in my reflected glory. Sometimes he says I should go in a pink suit and we could take part in a game of Human Snooker. Don't worry, dear reader; he's only joking, of course.

News from The Right

So the Czechs have signed some treaty or other.. Dave is furious and so are his mates. But why? Let me explain: As you know.. right wing beliefs are a bi-product of sleep deprivation. Margaret Thatcher slept for 3 hours a night - but why isn't DC getting his normal 10 hours kip?

Here's the thing.. Have you seen the new expense allowances for MPs? These Collusa of the World stage have been quite coy about what they're allowed now, but I've got the list exclusively here. So, the allowance for one week:

4 first class stamps,

7 Boot's meal deals,

Hire purchase payments for a Ford Cortina,

One bicycle,

Food for one pet (no larger than a fox),

14 tea bags,

A small jar of instant coffee

Need I say more.. 2 cups of tea a day and a small jar of instant coffee a week! He's jittery and irritable. Not to mention the midnight toilet breaks! Good Lord!

Norway's gift to the world

Why the Devil are all these people moaning about Barrack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize? Complaints seem mainly to centre around the fact he's only been in office for a few months.. but Good Lord! Don't these people realise? Every year our World Leaders get better and better! Striding across the world stage! We aren't talking about some tinpot Harry Trueman, or LBJ.. We're talking about a true colossus of the free world! And if he hasn't secured peace in our time.. so what?! Its only a matter of time. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know is that the past will pale in comparison, and we've our Glorious Leaders to thank.

Big Dave's evolving musical tastes

As a young man, Boris Johnson was a member of a tribute band of The Eagles. It was called The Swan. At the same time Davi Cameron formed a tribute band of BoJo's band - called 'Plumage'. Of course, as an aspiring World leader, Cameron listens to nothing but Bartok and Stravinsky now.. But it's an interesting tutbit, nonetheless.

Cameron / Macaroon

Osbourne unveils gay tax plan! Ah no.. Osbourne unveils pay and tax plans. Still.. what a bombshell.. The Tories aren't going to tax that particular lifestyle choice; they're going to tax everyone equally. Its part of Cameron's plan to make us all a bit miserable in the period between the financial stimulus being rolled back and the economy slipping into a depression. Clever chap this Cameron! Even if he does have a face like a suet pudding.

Graham Onions and Nicholas Sarcozy

Everyone's talking about cricket at the moment - Clive Cricket certainly is - but why get all het up about it? Its only a game.

I never told anyone about this at the time, but before the Ashes series I had an odd dream. A musical dream, where the most sublime tune was mixed with the lyrics: "Ravi.. Bappy.. Ravi.. Bappy.. Ravi.. Bappy.. Ravi.. Bappy..". You can see why I thought the Big Bopper would top score in that series then, but why would God speak to me in a dream to reveal the top run scorer in the Ashes? Why indeed! Its only a game..

An interesting fact: Graham Onions' nickname is "the President". He doesn't look like Barrack Obama.. Oh no! Its Ahmadinejad! What a cultured bunch these sportspeople are!


But enough of the Summer Game.. I have something important to talk to you about. Everyone is talking about objectifying women at the moment (they aren't talking about cricket at all).. but perhaps there's a more serious issue keeping up the Great Leaders of the Free World. I have been reliably informed that Nicholas Sarcozy deeply objects to the womanifying of objects. La chaise.. La Zouloue.. L'ablutions.. Soon this fellow is going to ban the gender of all french nouns! No smoking inside and only one word for 'the'? Soon the French will be just as civilised as the rest of us.

Calm down!

Good lord!

There's been no post on this site for some time - but who cares?! Why oh why do I have to put up with scores of begging, pleading letters and emails?

"What's the big deal, Cap? Why don't you post no more? I'm-a-comina get you!
Regards,
Silvio
"

"Following your blog used to get me out of bed in the morning. Now its more dull than test cricket. If you don't post soon I shall withdraw my custom!
Chris Gayle
"

"Sixpence for the lady!
Yours sincerely,
Madison Avenue
"

The fact of the matter is there has been no news worth commenting on. England won the Ashes? Big deal! I could go on.. but that's the only newsworthy story I can think of.. ..August - its a slow month!