Fuck the police (but don't really)!

British politics has gone a bit nutty at the moment. Everyone is promising to savagely cut.. savagely cut and slash! Despite this, the Labour plans are apparently not sufficient. They aren't planning to slash savagely enough! Alistair "the butcher" Darling just hasn't got it in him. It makes you wonder how he ever got that nickname in the first place..

We're all ignoring the elephant in the room here though. On boxing day Silvio and I were getting on famously. Late in the day, as he was leaving, he said to me: "El Capitano! Il Duce! You must tell your leaders to inflate their debt away! Soaring ever higher on an inflated balloon. Fuck the bond market! Capish!".

Well.. I suppose that's easy for him to say, now he services debt at German interest rates.. but perhaps he has a point.. 25% inflation for a few years.. a few strikes here and there.. maybe an IMF loan to top it off.. "Sounds Delish!" as Mandy would probably say.

Boxing day

I've invited Silvio and the Pope round for boxing day. They both need some cheering up. The only problem is that I speak no Italian. Thankfully "lemon drizzle cake" is the same in every language.

Swanny

Let's talk about sex.. ah.. perhaps we should just talk about cricket. In the last year Graeme Swann has averaged 53 batting, which is the second best average in the England team. He has the second best bowling average - and has taken the most wickets. Why has Giggs become Sports Personality of the Year?! Because of all the communists at the BBC, of course!

Get Well Soon, Silvio

Silvio Berlosconi is apparently 'settled' after his attack. This doesn't mean that Silvio's attacker is wearing a concrete overcoat... oh no.. that's not Silvio's style at all.

You see.. Berlosconi would like you to think of him as being similar to Jesus Christ, but I think he's more like the bloke in Whistle Down the Wind. People think he's a crook - but actually he's Jesus Christ! And a girl in a barn fancies him! Whistle Down the Wind.. that film made me so gloomy when I watched it..



edit: I mean Whistle Down the Wind, not Gone With the Wind, which is apparently some awful American picture.

Dangerous Footballing Floaters

I haven't been posting much lately, mainly due to a succession of colds. This damnable cold!

Anyway.. here's something to cheer everyone up: there's going to be a World Cup soon! England are seeded, but France and Portugal are dangerous floaters. Yes.. play against Ronaldo or Henry and you'll be sick of the sight of floaters for life. Possibly it would be better if the England side stayed at home this summer - or even if they hadn't been born at all!

I'm backing Dubai

There's been a lot of hoo-ing and haa-ing about Dubai recently. I'm telling you not to worry.

Let's get down to brass tacks: there is no safer investment than housing (that's why they say "safe as houses"), and there are other safety factors in this case.. firstly the buildings have been built in the inhospitable middle eastern sun, so noone would want to steal them.. secondly: many of the houses have been built on islands, protected from any wrongdoers by the sea.. thirdly.. lots of the islands have been formed into palm trees. This means they can enlist a celebrity to guard each island.

I'm Captain Crab, and I'm backing Dubai.

Technology Corner

What's happening in the world of computers? And why should we care? Well.. let me tell you.. there are some exiting things happening! Some scientist from Stanford says:

“within five to ten years it should be possible to make accurate 10- to 14-day weather forecasts.. [the main obstacle is] to set up a global data-collection system and to perfect our physical understanding of the atmosphere"

Wow! Pretty exciting stuff! But what about operating systems? What do Microsoft have to say?

"Hi, I'm Crystal. Not long ago I had a thought - right in the back of a taxi. Using a PC should be simpler.. so I told Microsoft - and look at this! Windows 7 with this new taskbar! Now I can see everything that's open. Its just miles simpler. I told them what to do and they did it! I could really get used to this.. Onwards driver! I'm a PC and windows 7 was my idea"

I'm a little underwhelmed by this. Shouldn't these Microsoft Gods be working in the office, not in taxis? And it leaves several questions unanswered.. How will these computers forecast the weather? And how could they be used to set up a Global data-collection system?

As for the cryptic ending.. I'm a PC?! Is this some advance in AI? Or cybernetics perhaps? Sometimes what's most interesting is what isn't said.

Reader's answers!

I've been chatting with Alistair Darling.. well.. actually I couldn't get through. But if I had, I imagine he would have said:

"I'm a busy man, Cap, just make something up and pretend I said it. You know my thoughts better than me anyway! eh?! :)"

You're the boss, Ali!

So, Mr. Darling. What do you think about banker's bonuses?

"

Well, the first thing to say is: its nice to be nice. I think its nice to be nice, and a lot of people think its nice that I think that. It's nice for me to know that.

When we get down to it, we should be nice to bankers. If they really have done their job well they'll get their reward in the next life.. or punishment! God forbid..

I really don't think we can run around killing bankers indiscriminately, and saying "God will know his own". That would be a return to Old Politics, and the old divisions between left and right. We're entering a new century with a new emphasis on consensus and understanding. Let's not punish bankers for their so-called misdeeds.. let's be nice to them. I guarantee everything will work itself out.

"

Interesting point, Alistair. I certainly agree that we can't go round indiscriminately murdering bankers. That would be the thin end of the wedge. Perhaps we could just increase income tax by a few percent.. damn the Laffer curve! Live dangerously!

Reader's questions

John Bull says...

"

Cameron is talking about "drawing a line in the sand" in this EU affair. But picture this: Imagine a beach with a fuck off line down the middle. On one side are a bunch of foreigners, eating their horrible greasy food stuffed full of garlic, speaking their stupid languages. On the other are English people, playing cricket, talking about the weather and eating roast beef and yorkshire pudding, followed by jam roly poly with custard.

Now.. wouldn't you rather this line in the sand was a fuck off trench? Full of fucking snakes!

"

Interesting point, John. I think I understand the metaphor: you want to build a trench between us and Europe, and to fill it with snakes.

I can't really agree though; there is already a sea between us and Europe, which is essentially a trench full of water - as opposed to snakes. What you seem to be suggesting is for us to remove the water from the sea and replace it with snakes, which seems an extreme step for very little reward. Better to leave things as they are.

Having said that, I'm reliably informed that William Hague and you are of the same mind.

Sarcozy's silver toungue

Sarcozy: Darling, do you know what you are?

Bruni: No, dearest?

Sarcozy: Cassoulet

Bruni: And why is that, mon cher?

Sarcozy: Because you're the national dish!

Now.. I'm not privy to all of the goings on in France - but if I had to bet on one saucy exchange having taken place between the President of France and his other half, this would be it. What a smooth talker he is!

Berlin remembers the Berlin Wall (and that it was a wall in Berlin)

Most people in Berlin had forgotten about the Berlin wall, but there was one man who was brave enough to remember it.

"Chaps, do you recall the wall that used to encircle half of Berlin?" he said

"Oh yeah.. that was weird.. what the fuck was all that about? I thought that was a fucking dream or something.. why the fuck was there a wall there? fucking hell.. weird!" the Germans said.

Anyway, now they're having a big party to celebrate the fact they've all remembered it. This is typical German hyperbole. I don't dance up the street naked shouting "Eureka" every time I find my reading glasses. But the average German would - and that's why we won the war.

Dann sind wir Helden

Zing! Ping! Wing!

That's the way a sensationalist would start his blog post - but not me - oh no.. I'm in this business for the public good - not for my 15 minutes of fame. Gordon Brown, despite his many qualities is the total opposite. Always pestering me to go for a walk with him down Oxford street with us both dressed in brown suits. He wants to bathe in my reflected glory. Sometimes he says I should go in a pink suit and we could take part in a game of Human Snooker. Don't worry, dear reader; he's only joking, of course.

News from The Right

So the Czechs have signed some treaty or other.. Dave is furious and so are his mates. But why? Let me explain: As you know.. right wing beliefs are a bi-product of sleep deprivation. Margaret Thatcher slept for 3 hours a night - but why isn't DC getting his normal 10 hours kip?

Here's the thing.. Have you seen the new expense allowances for MPs? These Collusa of the World stage have been quite coy about what they're allowed now, but I've got the list exclusively here. So, the allowance for one week:

4 first class stamps,

7 Boot's meal deals,

Hire purchase payments for a Ford Cortina,

One bicycle,

Food for one pet (no larger than a fox),

14 tea bags,

A small jar of instant coffee

Need I say more.. 2 cups of tea a day and a small jar of instant coffee a week! He's jittery and irritable. Not to mention the midnight toilet breaks! Good Lord!

Norway's gift to the world

Why the Devil are all these people moaning about Barrack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize? Complaints seem mainly to centre around the fact he's only been in office for a few months.. but Good Lord! Don't these people realise? Every year our World Leaders get better and better! Striding across the world stage! We aren't talking about some tinpot Harry Trueman, or LBJ.. We're talking about a true colossus of the free world! And if he hasn't secured peace in our time.. so what?! Its only a matter of time. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know is that the past will pale in comparison, and we've our Glorious Leaders to thank.

Big Dave's evolving musical tastes

As a young man, Boris Johnson was a member of a tribute band of The Eagles. It was called The Swan. At the same time Davi Cameron formed a tribute band of BoJo's band - called 'Plumage'. Of course, as an aspiring World leader, Cameron listens to nothing but Bartok and Stravinsky now.. But it's an interesting tutbit, nonetheless.

Cameron / Macaroon

Osbourne unveils gay tax plan! Ah no.. Osbourne unveils pay and tax plans. Still.. what a bombshell.. The Tories aren't going to tax that particular lifestyle choice; they're going to tax everyone equally. Its part of Cameron's plan to make us all a bit miserable in the period between the financial stimulus being rolled back and the economy slipping into a depression. Clever chap this Cameron! Even if he does have a face like a suet pudding.

Graham Onions and Nicholas Sarcozy

Everyone's talking about cricket at the moment - Clive Cricket certainly is - but why get all het up about it? Its only a game.

I never told anyone about this at the time, but before the Ashes series I had an odd dream. A musical dream, where the most sublime tune was mixed with the lyrics: "Ravi.. Bappy.. Ravi.. Bappy.. Ravi.. Bappy.. Ravi.. Bappy..". You can see why I thought the Big Bopper would top score in that series then, but why would God speak to me in a dream to reveal the top run scorer in the Ashes? Why indeed! Its only a game..

An interesting fact: Graham Onions' nickname is "the President". He doesn't look like Barrack Obama.. Oh no! Its Ahmadinejad! What a cultured bunch these sportspeople are!


But enough of the Summer Game.. I have something important to talk to you about. Everyone is talking about objectifying women at the moment (they aren't talking about cricket at all).. but perhaps there's a more serious issue keeping up the Great Leaders of the Free World. I have been reliably informed that Nicholas Sarcozy deeply objects to the womanifying of objects. La chaise.. La Zouloue.. L'ablutions.. Soon this fellow is going to ban the gender of all french nouns! No smoking inside and only one word for 'the'? Soon the French will be just as civilised as the rest of us.

Calm down!

Good lord!

There's been no post on this site for some time - but who cares?! Why oh why do I have to put up with scores of begging, pleading letters and emails?

"What's the big deal, Cap? Why don't you post no more? I'm-a-comina get you!
Regards,
Silvio
"

"Following your blog used to get me out of bed in the morning. Now its more dull than test cricket. If you don't post soon I shall withdraw my custom!
Chris Gayle
"

"Sixpence for the lady!
Yours sincerely,
Madison Avenue
"

The fact of the matter is there has been no news worth commenting on. England won the Ashes? Big deal! I could go on.. but that's the only newsworthy story I can think of.. ..August - its a slow month!

Bernard Madoff vs. the Animal Kingdom

So.. Bernie Madoff is getting 150 years in the clink.. why not life? Well now.. there are several reasons - not least of which is to serve as a deterrent for other offenders. Imagine it! 100 years in jail after he dies.. who wants to rob their investors now?

We shouldn't get too worked up about Madoff though; he only stole money. Mostly from people who could easily afford it. To my mind, the greatest criminals are found in the animal kingdom: only today I saw a cat walking along with a dead mouse in its mouth.. and drakes! Drakes are notorious rapists. Each generation of ducklings is born into an endless cycle of abuse. Come to think of it, cats have barbed penises, as well - and don't get me started on blue whales.. they eat millions of plankton every day! Do you believe every animal has a soul? Kill those whale!

I seem to have wandered off piste.. what I'm trying to say is: Lots of pretty powerful people think that the English are the most evil race in the world; Isn't it time we all took a look at ourselves and stopped beating on Bernie Madoff?

One reason Silvio Berlosconi hates country music

"I'll never get out of this world alive", so sang Hank Williams. And he should know! He was dead by the time the song released - gone white in the back of a car from a morphine/alcohol overdose. I wonder if Berlosconi suffers the same fear. You can't cheat death, Silvio!

British Airways: a loving family in the sky?

British Airways are planning to offer their employees the opportunity to work for a month without pay. Good plan! I've always thought if someone is only working for you to collect their daily bread then you can hardly rely on them. Sort out the wheat from the chaff!

If I get the chance to talk to the high fliers at BA I'll be recommending a course of action still more extreme: why rest at stopping paying for your employees? Their biggest problem is oil prices. Why pay for oil at all? A thousand BA enthusiasts around the world should provide the oil, free of charge! Wouldn't you better trust them than the terrible Big Oil firms? And why charge your customers? Or ask them for passports? If that's the way you treat your customers then no wonder we have a problem with terrorists on planes; who else wants to fly BA? Yes.. that's the way to go.. a big loving family in the sky. You've taken the first step on a beautiful voyage, BA.

Peter Mandleson

In a curious documentary earlier this week, Peter Mandelson revealed that Gordon Brown had invited him back into the cabinet over "a sandwich, yogurt and an orange juice". What a bizarre revelation! Why not "over a sandwich", or "over lunch"? Why mention food at all?

All this leads me to suspect foul play on Mandleson's part. Subliminal messaging? Aggressive pushing of healthy eating? Self aggrandisement? (Come on, Mandy, yoghurts aren't exotic anymore!) No.. none of these are the answer.. the answer is that Mandleson must have slipped in something dreadful when I wasn't listening properly.. then slipped in the yogurt remark to distract me. And it worked! Damn... ...but no matter; Milliband is coming round for a slice of Lemon Drizzle Cake on Sunday; I'll ask him what Mandy said then.

the Twenty20 World Cup

So the 20 20 Wold Cup is up and running.. what the devil? Switch hits, slog sweeps, reverse reverse sweeps, sixes out the stadium.. Everything we were told about cricket is a lie! An unplayable ball from Brett Lee transpires to be a simple edge over the boundary ropes.
Trundling bowlers like Luke Wright are geniuses of the game. Its hard to hit boundaries off spinners, and hitting along the ground is for morons.

Thankfully I achieved neither of my twin ambitions: playing for Kent, or dieing young. Imagine it! I'd be spinning in my grave!

I console myself that, like Christmas, its all a bit of fun; no matter how strange and terrifying this tournament is, when its over we can forget about it for another two years - enjoying a nice relaxing Ashes.

Poetry: the villain of the piece?

The airwaves are full of programs about poetry at the moment. Apparently everyone loves poetry now. Not only the long haired romantics, wandering through Cumbria smiling at sheep (When they aren't necking half-pints of Laudinum). Ordinary people like you me and Frank Skinner are wandering around speaking tripe to taxi-drivers.

These modern poets like Homer and Rimbaud are all well and good, but what the British People really want are poets like Tennyson and Kipling. The British Public won't stand for dull fuzzy odes to a mushroom. What they crave are poems about how great Britain is, all set to a rumptdy-dum rhythm.

Vastly stiff Australians

Ricky Ponting suggests that Australian opponents will be "Vastly stiffer", then West Indian ones. Now.. its not for me to speculate on the stiffness of West Indian cricketers, but I think its fair to say that Ponting thinks that during the Ashes Australia will be incredibly stiff. I don't know about you, but I'm shaken to my core by this statement. I suspect the foxy Australians have stumbled upon some sort of secret weapon. Starch baths, perhaps.. or ground Viagra mixed into their breakfast Vegemite.

Gordon Brown's harmless hobby

Gordon Brown is a sex machine.. but not in the way you'd think. Apparently he's World Champion in a game where the aim is to translate 6 words into German. The game is called 'sex', because that's the German word for 'six' (more or less). He's the first champion for over 20 years not to speak German. I suspect the game isn't as popular as chess, for example, or bar billiards.. but its an awesome achievement nonetheless.

So what does Gordon have to say about this harmless hobby?
"Fellas, I'm ready to get up and do my thing! I want to get into it man, you know! Like a.. like a sex machine, man! Moving and doing it! Can I count it off? One Two Three Four Five Six!"

Hopefully this will clear up all the 'Gordon Brown is a nymphomaniac' rumours doing the rounds.

Make your vote count.

The European elections are approaching, and I suggest you vote for the BNP. Why? Firstly European elections mean precisely nothing, so it matters not who you vote for. Secondly it will remove a number of mad fascists from the country, and dump them in Brussels. Thirdly, they'd love having all those foreigners to offend - they'll be like pigs in shit, gorging themselves on chips and mayonnaise. Fourthly, I've run it past Nicolas Sarcoszy and he's fine with the idea. British Nutjob Party.. everyone's a winner.

Reader's question: Women

Ms. Lucy Backgammon writes:

"
Sir! You are a misogynist! You have never mentioned a single woman on this blog! You're the sort of fellow who gives other chaps a bad name - damp and flaccid!
"

Thanks for your email, Lucy.. as you know, very few of the Giants of the World Stage are women.. with the exception of Angela Merkel, and that one from Argentina.

Ahh.. Frau. Merkel.. tremendous woman.. very sharp teeth!

On top of this, no women have even been mentioned as potential England cricketers! Ever! But none of this is to suggest that I hate women or wo-people as I'm inclined to call them. One day a woman will be born who can run as fast as a man, and I shall be the first to shake his hand.

Open letter to David Cameron

David.. I don't want to be your friend. No matter how many quiches you offer me, and no matter how many times you ask me round to your house to watch a sad movie and have a good cry, I don't want to be your friend. Frankly, your face is too pink and you're too posh. And here's another thing.. the British Public are only pretending to like you as part of a Big Joke.

Love From,
CC

The world gives birth to another enormous electronic brain.

There's a new search engine in the world, at www.wolframalpha.com. Rather than return web pages from other idiots to your question, it just works the answers out itself, like an enormous electronic brain. What will these Geniuses think of next?

It seems to me that Stephen Wolfram is trying to make an important political point by releasing this website. He's making the point that sometimes you can't trust people to look after themselves. Don't trust each other.. trust a huge electronic brain. It all seems rather extreme to me, but I look forward to seeing how it progresses.

The site couldn't tell me how many test hundreds Kevin Pietersen had scored.

Eurovision

The British press are constantly rattling on about unfairness in the Eurovision song contest.. apparently countries bordering lots of other countries are more likely to win. Clearly this is piffle.. I didn't watch the Eurovision song contest, but what I do know is: Norway came first, Britain came fifth, and the British entrant was moderately attractive. As you all know, Britain only has one neighbouring country, and Norway two.

So.. this is obviously typical anti-European scaremongering by the press.. would the Great brother nations of Europe allow themselves to be humiliated by corruption and nepotism? Never! Sarcozy would never allow it.

Here comes the Whistleman

As part of the celebrations for the 50th anniversary of the release of Giant Steps, the musicians union has asked me to lay out some guidelines for future Popsters. What do I know about music? But they're too clever by half and saw through my self-depreciation immediately.

So my recommendations are:
1. Sing more clearly.
2. Sing in an English accent.
3. Sing Up!
4. No more than 4 instruments to play on any record.
5. Use trumpets more - don't be gloomy!
6. If all else fail, release a cover of 'Here comes the Whistleman', by Rahsaan Roland Kirk.

a Good Book

Apologies for not posting the last couple of days, but I've been dashing off a novel. Its a riproaring tall of a French African who doesn't care about anything, who kills an Arab for no reason. I've decided to call it Albert Camus' "the Outsider"

Expensive MPs

I've been inundated with letters and texts asking me to condemn all the British MPs who've been over-liberal with their expense claims. Frankly, dear reader, I've had enough. Its time for the public to stop thinking of me as some kind of Global Policeman. There are more powerful men, with the World at their feet.

Barrack Obama.. Wen Jiabao.. if you want to make a statement, give me a call. I can even hold your hands on the podium. Do what you feel you have to do, Barrack Obama and Wen Jiabao. I am here for you.

Reader's questions: Cricket

Mr. Clive Cricket asks:

"
In light of England's recent success against the West Indies, I should like to hear your views on Englands best team for the Ashes series against Australia.
"

Good question, Clive! The first thing to say is that against Australia, skill and experience mean nothing. What we need is players with Spirit.

Ravi "the Big Bopper" Bopara is chock-full of the right stuff, and Kevin Pietersen has plenty of the Holy Ghost about him. Strauss sounds privately educated, so I'm willing to gamble he has plenty of the midnight fox about him, and a recent article in the Telegraph claims Swann once dipped his finger in urine to harden the skin. Monty: start dipping, and we'll talk.

Is Flintoff granite? Or is he a china plate? Was Onions' father a miner? Someone should find out.. Broad should be subjected to a chest inspection every morning, to check for hairs. Harmison, on the other hand.. look at his darty eyes and his hangdog expression.. He's a man on the edge - ready to explode! He should certainly be out there.. foxy manipulations are no substitute for controlled aggression.. let alone outright Mad Dogism.

Utbildningsväsen! Undervisningsväsen! Skolväsen!

I heard a disturbing rumour the other day that the Conservatives are planning on copying some education scheme from Sweden. Now.. I don't care to look into the details of this policy, but if it comes from one of the Nordic countries its bound to be left wing.

When will the politicians learn? Hot countries are capitalist, and cold ones socialist! That's why all African communist countries have been total disasters, and that's why Iceland has fallen into ruin by letting its banks off the rails. Tony Blair understood that the temperate British climate required a Third Way - slightly moderated by the fuel allowance for the winter months. Now he's in the Middle East, spreading peace with poll taxes and deregulation.

Horses for courses - that's what I say.. I'm not sure I trust the Tories - for one thing their leader has a face like an overcooked steak and kidney pudding, but I'm sure he'll get his own blog entry at some stage.

Silvio Berlosconi

What a fellow this Berlosconi is! He's the richest man in Italy, and he's surrounded by models. If you don't vote for him you're a dickhead!

The way I see it: cricket teams have their best player as captain; Italy have picked their best man as President. Simple as that! Capish! You want to vote for the socialists? You've got wool between your ears! Silvio owns AC Milan! Who do the socialists own? Noone!

The recession, and my part in its downfall.

Recently I found ten pounds in the street, and found myself considering the moral course of action. Assuming there was no point in trying to find its rightful owner, I considered destroying the money, to increase the value of all the other cash in circulation. But wait.. in the current deflationary climate the mints are going full tilt printing new money. I don't want to push against our Glorious Leaders. I don't want to tell my grandchildren I was responsible for a Depression.

Eventually I hit apon the answer. As I'm not regulated by the FSA I was able to lend the whole amount to reckless borrowers, desperate to buy the latest Lily Allen record. Yes, its no time to think of ourselves, this recession.. we've got to lie back and think of the economy now.

What British people really want

There's been a lot written in the British press recently about people hating Gordon Brown. I'm here to tell you its rubbish. The British people don't hate Gordon Brown.. they love him! His tubby face! His squinty eyes! Have you ever loved someone so much you're afraid to approach them? Scared of their rejection.. scared they don't feel the same way. The British press are too stupid to see what I know.

Oh, British people: Gordon loves you too! Run to him! Embrace him! Rush to the polling stations and cram your voting cards into his boxes! You've only got one life, British people - this is no time for your famous reserve.. don't waste your one chance with Gordon.

Pressure at the top

Liverpool won a football game today. Now they're putting pressure on Manchester United. Not physical pressure, you understand; Rafa Benitez isn't going to place his hands on Alex Ferguson, and push him as he sleeps. Oh no.. its the subtle intangible kind of pressure, that riddles footballers with self doubt, and forces them Off Their Game.

Liverpool beat Newcastle, who are now also under Pressure. They fear The Drop. Hull, Middlesborough, Newcastle - they're all under Pressure. Expect them to fail. West Bromwich Albion, on the other hand, must have accepted their fate. They've Dropped! They will play with a feeling of liberation - gliding across the pitch, and scoring goals at will.

Of course, all the other teams are struck by a curious malaise - they have Nothing to Play For. They will become despondent and lethargic. For all I know, they'll start going bald as well.


So I confidently predict that next week all the teams in the Premiership will lose, with the exception of West Bromwich Albion. Expect great things from those boys; they're in a great place right now.

I dreamed I saw St. Augustine

Today I woke from a curious dream. I dreamed I'd been eating gherkins, followed by dry roasted peanuts. I'd enjoyed this snack in my dream, so I made this dream come true The gherkins, I'm afraid, were rather off, and I didn't enjoy the peanuts.

What kind of Mischievous Sprite was haunting me? Why did I listen to the siren song of my dreams?

I expect these are the kind of questions you're asking yourself - I asked them myself! But I must tell you.. later that day I found myself playing a beautiful guitar in the sun of my back garden, brought to me by a friend with beer. Yes.. its important to offer your salutations to dreams - these Mischievous Sprites work in mysterious ways, you know.

Nicolas Sarcozy

Nicolas Sarcozy uses his imagination to turn into a swan. Can you see him? Elegantly cutting through the clear blue sky? Carla is next to him, stretching her long white graceful neck into the wind. And there below.. all their cygnets floating in the stream!

Well now.. I don't know about you, but I think its rather charming that a world leader of Nicolas' stature has these thoughts. So full of childish wonder and innocence! France is in safe hands with Nicolas Sarcozy and his plans to extend Paris into the sea.

Swine flu

Have you heard the news? Apparently swine flu isn't real! Swine flu - when pigs fly? Its all just a big hoax. The Mexican taxpayer will probably be furious when he finds out about this; the loss of income from tourism will be massive, and paper masks aren't cheap - but the Mexican government has loftier goals than enriching its own citizens. Yes, the Mexican government is actively increasing Gross World Happiness by perpetuating this soon-to-be legendary stunt. If only all our rulers were so benevolent and forward thinking! What a Nirvarna the world would be!

Barrack Obama

Barrack Obama has a dream. A dream of looking like Frank Sinatra. Its important for today's leaders to look like members of the Rat Pack - they were all at it at the G20 summit. Barrack was Frank, of course, but Nicolas Sarkozy was christened the new Dean Martin and Silvio Berlosconi Sammy Davis Jnr.

It's not for us mere mortals to speculate about what the politicians decided at the summit, but if I were put on the spot I'd guess they were sloshing Bourbon everywhere, and singing. Gone are the old divisions: Old Europe and New America, Emerging economies and Emerged. These titans of the world stage are an example to us all.

a Depression

Some time ago Gordon Brown promised an end to Boom and Bust. Unbeknownst to us this didn't mean an end to breasty exlosions - Oh No! It meant an end to the cycle of life; no more birth and death, and more importantly: no more buying koy carp whilst labouring under the misaprehension we're fantastically wealthy.

But now we've had the breastiest explosion in history. The economy is suffering from a Depression. Economies don't suffer from depression - they suffer from a Depression. Its like a hurricane! This depression is cutting deep - its hurting economic growth - economic growth which doesn't even exist!

So what are we going to do about it? The economy is lying on the sofa, staring into space. Meanwhile this bastard Depression is hurting growth before it even exists! I say the economy should wise up. No use moping around. It should exercise regularly and I've heard bananas are good for the mood! Apparently you point them at people and say "This banana is loaded!"

Cap'n Crab

Could a crab ever become a Captain in the British Navy? No.. the very idea is laughable.. maddening.. and yet: on hearing of "Cap'n Crab", does the mind recoil in horror? Surely not!

This is the power of the Captain. There are strange forces at work here - more will be revealed in due course.