Sponsored Post

A sponsored post:

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I must stress, however, I will accept no bids of less than fourteen pounds.

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A new Ted for a new age

Ed Miliband is coming round for a chat over brunch. I'm going to prepare him a real treat!

First I wrap a banana in a fried egg. Then I place this in a bun. I sprinkle cornflakes over the top, and then to make sure that all the food groups are included, I pour brandy over it and set it on fire.

Hopefully Sarcozy will be out of the flat by then. I told him he could use the front room for a slumber party.

Robots fly over the f**king moon

I feel a little ill - but has one of my neighbours dropped me off a tin of soup and 20 cigarettes? Of course not.. is this the Big Society Dave has been going on about? Clearly things are not developing to time. Surely we should all be teaching at academy schools and taking our own rubbish to the dump in our cars by now?

Personally I blame all of this lethargy on the corruption of the Pakistan cricket team. With the exception of Shahid Afridi, of course. Afridi is my favourite cricketer. Not only is he completely incapable of any form of diplomacy; he also had just about the nuttiest test innings on record.

Oh, and he scored the fastest ever century on his debut.

X marks the box

Why vote for Anne Gordon? Because she has a fat arse and she smells? No.. because she'll prevent all government cuts or something. It says so on a flyer I got through my door. She's perfectly normal otherwise.

I don't know.. elections seem to bring out the worst in people, don't they? They've certainly brought out a vulgar streak in me!

Thank you Dr. George

I had some diarrhoea the other day. I spoke to George Osbourne about it, and felt a little better about things. He told me it was a good opportunity for me to purge the rottenness out of my system.

David Cameron is a divine wind

Just a quick word in your ear. As you may have guessed, I have been growing a beard on the top of a mountain for a couple of months. As I rambled down, I bumped into Dave!

Apparently DC is going to cut through the budget deficit like a divine wind through butter. Waste will be abolished! A brave new world! The poor chap has never even heard of Keynes..

A word in your ear from.. Alistair Cook

Its been a while since my last post; but it was worth the wait. Today I have an exclusive interview from Captain Cook himself!

"..You know, they said I couldn't play for England, but of course I did! And I've been brilliant for England ever since! Remember that double century against Australia?"

I don't think you were playing for England when you scored a double century against Australia

"..I was great.. And there's no one in test cricket with a better average than me. I knew they'd ask me to be captain in the end.. they said I couldn't do it - but Pietersen and Strauss were rubbish so in the end the inevitable happened. I was great, of course"

Of course..

"..of course.. Bangladesh are one of the strongest sides in international cricket"

In the top 10, certainly..

"..eh? .. And we absolutely trounced them! I did most of the heavy lifting of course. I doubt Straussy will dare to show up for the return fixtures in the Spring.."

Er.. a rousing win. But what about the test series

"What?! The test series will be a breeze! I'll be there, of course. They said I couldn't bowl but I proved them wrong. I was fantastic"

You went for 111 off 5 overs..

"None of the other bowlers could finish the deal.. We needed them to declare to get the win. Its part of a tactical battle I'm bound to win. It was just a small matter of me knocking off the runs batting at 1. In the end I decided to retire on 42. That's the kind of guy I am.. brilliant.. but don't try to outguess me. Know what I mean?"



Well.. that was an interesting interview. He's always seemed quite mild mannered in the past, but I walked past him giving the bowlers a bollocking and the air almost turned blue! Later he was in the team hotel, wearing a three cornered hat, shouting "Once more into the breach ,dear friends!" At the same time he was smoking a cigar and making the V for victory sign with his free hand. Apparently he likes to read inspiring autobiographies.. educated man!

He is also good on the piano.