The tea party

I'm going to invite these Tea Party fellows round soon. We'll get to the bottom of all this: do they really want to cut taxes? abolish the national debt?

More to the point though: do they really drink tea? and do they enjoy it? If they don't then I really don't see the point. Why base your movement around a drink you don't even like? After all, they could always join the Aryan brotherhood instead.

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A new Ted for a new age

Ed Miliband is coming round for a chat over brunch. I'm going to prepare him a real treat!

First I wrap a banana in a fried egg. Then I place this in a bun. I sprinkle cornflakes over the top, and then to make sure that all the food groups are included, I pour brandy over it and set it on fire.

Hopefully Sarcozy will be out of the flat by then. I told him he could use the front room for a slumber party.

Robots fly over the f**king moon

I feel a little ill - but has one of my neighbours dropped me off a tin of soup and 20 cigarettes? Of course not.. is this the Big Society Dave has been going on about? Clearly things are not developing to time. Surely we should all be teaching at academy schools and taking our own rubbish to the dump in our cars by now?

Personally I blame all of this lethargy on the corruption of the Pakistan cricket team. With the exception of Shahid Afridi, of course. Afridi is my favourite cricketer. Not only is he completely incapable of any form of diplomacy; he also had just about the nuttiest test innings on record.

Oh, and he scored the fastest ever century on his debut.

X marks the box

Why vote for Anne Gordon? Because she has a fat arse and she smells? No.. because she'll prevent all government cuts or something. It says so on a flyer I got through my door. She's perfectly normal otherwise.

I don't know.. elections seem to bring out the worst in people, don't they? They've certainly brought out a vulgar streak in me!

Thank you Dr. George

I had some diarrhoea the other day. I spoke to George Osbourne about it, and felt a little better about things. He told me it was a good opportunity for me to purge the rottenness out of my system.

David Cameron is a divine wind

Just a quick word in your ear. As you may have guessed, I have been growing a beard on the top of a mountain for a couple of months. As I rambled down, I bumped into Dave!

Apparently DC is going to cut through the budget deficit like a divine wind through butter. Waste will be abolished! A brave new world! The poor chap has never even heard of Keynes..